How to Help..

I did not write this, I just saw it at thought it might be helpful. We absolutely realize that it can feel frustrating and helpless to feel like there is no way you can help when your heart is grieving with someone, after a diagnosis. So I hope this will help to give ideas in some ways to help, though your prayers and support are more important and supportive.  I went through a wrote a few bits in red.

Specific ways to support a loved one with cancer

• Emotional help
• Practical help
• Things that won't help
• What to say
• Gift ideas

The diagnosis of cancer can be distressing for the patient, their family and friends. As a friend you can provide wonderful support, both emotional and practical.

To provide the best help possible, it is important that you take the time to acknowledge how your friend’s diagnosis makes you feel. It may be useful if you take the time to do some reading about the type of cancer and treatment.

It is important not to over-commit yourself. It is better to be able to fulfill realistic commitments than to take on things that you cannot carry through.

When thinking about how you can help it is important to consider the following:

• Does the person want my help?
• What sort of help have they requested?
• What do I have time for?
• Is the help I am offering appropriate to my relationship with the person?
• Who else is available to help?
• How will the rest of the family react to my involvement?
• Are there any language, cultural, gender or religious differences that might aid or interfere with my help?

Resist the temptation to ‘take over’. Being diagnosed with cancer can cause some people to feel as if they are losing control. It is important to assist the person to maintain a sense of control.

Much of our sense of self comes from the roles we fulfill – parent, spouse, sibling, worker or friend. Illness can interfere with these valuable roles and sometimes the best help you can give is to call on people’s skills and experiences and to reassure them they are still valued.

Emotional help

• Talking is the best method of communication we have. Simply acknowledging and talking about distress can help to relieve it. Talk openly and honestly. Let the person indicate when and where they want to talk and what they want to talk about. Follow your friend’s lead.
• Listening may be more important than speaking. You do not need to have all the answers; just listening to questions can help. Be a sensitive, compassionate and empathetic listener.
• Don’t be afraid of silence or feel uncomfortable if there's a lull in the conversation. Quiet is better than empty words, and sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something potentially insensitive. Sharing silence can be very comforting. Your presence shows you care.
• Although people need to talk about what they are going through, equally they want to hear about the outside world and be distracted and entertained for a while. (WE DO WE DO!!)
• Respect that there will be times when he/she doesn’t want to talk and needs time to himself/herself.
• Maintain contact throughout the cancer experience through letters, cards or emails.
• If you have had cancer, respect that the person’s experience will be different to yours.
• Celebrate the milestones in the person’s experience, for example the halfway mark of their chemotherapy, the end of their treatment, their remission.
• Sometimes what you think is best for the person may differ from what they think. Try to ‘be with’ the person emotionally through their various feelings even if your feelings are different.
• Understand that needs change. Some people might be less willing to accept concrete help than others. If you have offered and have been refused, don't take offence. You might try asking again a few weeks later, or you might try directly asking your friend what, exactly, it is you could do to help most.
• Be humorous and fun when appropriate and when needed but also allow for sadness - do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings.
• Make time for a weekly check-in phone call. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
• Over the phone, be sensitive to the needs of your friend. Always ask if your timing is appropriate, and if it isn't, then just convey your good wishes and offer your friend the option to call you back when convenient. Be sensitive to the possibility that your friend may need short breaks from phone contact at difficult times. Try sending postcards, letters, e-cards or emails.
• Tell your friend it is okay to turn down a call or a visit, and that you understand.
• When you make a commitment to help, follow through. For example, if you offer to bring a meal over on Sunday, don't forget.
• Continue to talk to your friend as the person they were before the cancer diagnosis. Ask about interests, hobbies, and other topics not related to cancer—people going through treatment sometimes need a break from talking about cancer.
• Offer support to your friend’s support-person/caregiver. The tendency is to focus attention on the individual dealing first-hand with cancer but the needs of the partner or main support-giver can often get lost in the haze. See if there is anything you can do to make this person's life a little easier.
• If you aren't sure how to help, ask.

Practical help

• Be specific about your availability and what you can do. As sincere as you are when you say something like "Please call if there is anything I can do," it is very awkward for someone in need to take you up on this kind offer. Try to make your offer more specific. Something like, "I want to bring over dinner tonight." This is more direct and is something that is easier to say "thank you" for than to ask for.
• Draw up a roster among your friends to do things such as shopping, house cleaning, ironing, collecting children or preparing a meal.
• Offer to drive them to and from appointments and if they want, stay with them when they see the doctor or have treatment. (With the long term scope of this, Drivers to MD ANDERSON WOULD BE INCREDIBLE DOWN THE ROAD!)
• If they live alone or have little support, they may appreciate help sorting through medical bills, Medicare claims and household expenses.
• Check if the person has a contact person for family and friend’s enquiries to be directed towards.
• Make plans for the future—this gives your friend something to look forward to.

Things that won’t help

• Avoid giving medical advice. Suggest that medical concerns are discussed with the doctor or nurse.
• Don’t give advice on how they can change their lifestyle or diet. They may already be struggling with their normal routine without having to change it and it may make them feel as if they have caused their cancer in some way.
• Avoid making assumptions about what the person can and can’t do.
• Refrain from telling the person about the latest cure or treatment you’ve heard about.
• Avoid over-staying your visit. Be sensitive to their needs.
• Don't comment on your friend's appearance. (Dad's ALWAYS been bald so, that is allowed hahah)
• Try not to offer platitudes. As much as we all want to believe "Everything is going to be all right!", hearing people say that can make someone living with cancer feel like the gravity of their plight is being trivialised or under-appreciated. Although that statement is very optimistic and well-intended, it can convey a lack of understanding about the severity of the situation. Try statements like "We think about you every day," "You are in our prayers," "I wish I was there to give you a great big hug," "If only there were something I could actually do to make this easier for you," etc.
• Don't offer advice or talk about the people you've known who have died from cancer.

What to say

What do you say when you learn that someone you care about has cancer? What do you do? Is there any "right" way or "wrong" way to respond to the news?
Most cancer survivors have stories to tell of comments and gestures made by friends and family members, some of which were hurtful and some of which were helpful. Based on those survivors' stories as well as my own experience, I offer the following "do's" and "don'ts".

First the don'ts:

1. The worst thing you can say or do is to say or do nothing at all. Almost every survivor can tell of at least one person who, upon hearing the news, disappeared and was never heard from again. Maybe the fact that your friend or loved one has cancer is the worst news you've ever heard and you can't stand the thought of him being this sick. You don't know what to say or do, and it's too painful to see him without hair, and the house smells like a hospital, and, well, it's all so just so scary. I don't mean to be harsh here, but this really isn't about you. Stick around, please. Your loving presence alone can be the healing salve for a wounded, frightened spirit.
2. I know you mean well when you say, "God won't give you more than you can handle," but I wish you would listen to the implications in that comment and refrain from using it. It implies that God gave us cancer which inference often leads newly diagnosed patients to wonder if God is punishing them for something they did or failed to do, and that's the last thing we need to be worrying about right now.
   
   To clean up a popular phrase, stuff happens. People get cancer (1 in 3, in fact). People get lots of other awful diseases, too. Babies are born with defects. Long-distance runners have heart attacks. Brave men and women go to war and get killed. Supermen fall from horses, and maniacs fly airplanes into buildings. And, yes, many people do get more than they can handle as evidenced by suicide rates. Not to step on anyone's religion here, but I refuse to believe God is the one causing all this mayhem, destruction and chaos.
   
   Instead of telling us that God gave us cancer, tell us that God will be with us every step of the way (even if we’re not religious, this is better than the former comment).
    
3. Don't predict the future. Acknowledge the seriousness of the diagnosis without being morbid (Oh, my God! My aunt had the very same thing and she died 8 months later!"), and without being unrealistic ("You'll probably outlive me. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!"). We don't know what's going to happen to us, and neither do you. Tell us happy stories of other long-term cancer survivors (but refrain from saying someone had "the very same thing"; no two cancer diagnoses are ever the same).
   
   Never, ever tell us stories with unhappy endings.

Now for the do's:

1. Things to say: "I'm here for you." "You can cry with me." "I love you." "I won't leave you." "Whatever you're feeling is okay."
   
   Just be there. Follow our lead. We'll let you know if we want to "talk about it," and if we do, please let us. Don't change the subject. When you don't allow us to talk about our disease, it makes us feel alone and isolated.
    
2. Things to do: Take my kids out for pizza and a movie or, better yet, for the weekend. Offer to pick up prescriptions, take the dog to the groomer and run other errands. Clip cartoons and funny pictures and send them in a card. Bring thoughtful gifts (a book or magazine, a tabletop fountain, a meditation tape or CD); avoid things with strong smells (bath sets, flowers, food, etc.) until you know how I'm reacting to my treatments.

Source: The Cancer Crusade e-newsletter
And finally, here are some simple guidelines to use when talking with your friend.

Avoid saying:

• I know just how you feel.
• You need to talk.
• I know just what you should do.
• I feel helpless.
• I don't know how you manage.
• You're lucky, yours is the good cancer - this is often said of Hodgkin's disease because it is curable but there is nothing at all lucky about having any cancer.

Do say:

• I'm sorry this has happened to you.
• If you ever feel like talking, I am here to listen.
• What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?
• Please let me know what I can do to help.
• You are an inspiration.

Gift ideas
If you are wanting to give your friend a gift, the following list might give you some ideas:

• gift certificates for massage, spa services, bookstore, restaurants, movies, museum/art gallery passes
• a soothing CD
• a funny movie or book (He Loves the Show ARCHER)
• relaxation and meditation books, or a voucher for educational classes
• light reading such as magazines (He Likes fishing magazines)
• homemade soup
• A Good laugh

Anything that provides laughter or comfort is healing and is always welcomed. Sing or play a song for your friend, take them for a walk, or give them a massage or foot-rub. Don’t underestimate the value of physical touch; sometimes the best gift of all is a hug.